3 AM

3AM

I will never look at 3 AM the same way again. It was the moment when the doctor and nurses came in and told us that our sweet baby girl's health was deteriorating, and they needed to transfer her to another hospital for further care. For months after my daughter's death, I would startle awake at 3 am (and some nights I still do). I would look at the clock and have visions of that night. The doctor coming into my room and saying a bunch of words that I could barely understand or comprehend. All I heard is that she is stable for now, but it doesn't look good. (Then in my mind, I would replay the whole scene). The doctor walked out the door, and I said, ("What? How can this be? I just left her side 2 1/2 hours ago, and she was fine." The nurse said they were going to watch her overnight, that she was doing okay, and reassured me that she was in good hands. She said, "You have had a long day, (I just endured 48 hours of labor and 3 1/2 hours of hard pushing) go to bed, you will see her in the morning, and you'll have a long day tomorrow. Go to sleep.") My husband rushed out the door to be with her right away and then they came back into my room and got me out of bed, and wheeled me in by her. I looked at her, and my heart sank. Tubes and wires were coming from her all over, and her color was not good like it was 2 1/2 hours before.

3 AM, I prayed over my daughter and begged God to heal her. It was also the hour when they said there was a grim chance. They asked, "Do you still want us to take her and do everything that we can, or do you just want to let her go here?" I replied, "No, please take her. Save her. Do everything that you can to save her, please!" They said, "Okay," and rushed her off. I felt so reassured that she would be just fine. "God is going to heal her, I just know it." I had envisioned angels hovering over that ambulance as they took her off to do everything that they could to save my sweet girl and that the next time I saw her, she would be just fine. I was so positive that she was going to be okay.

3 AM will never be the same for me. For other people, waking up from a 3 AM nightmare is just that, a nightmare. They can just shake it off and go back to sleep. But for me, 3 AM was a real-life nightmare that I will never be able to wake up from. I can't shake it off and go back to sleep and wake up in the morning and say, "Oh, it was just a nightmare." I wish it was just that, a nightmare, but it's reality. My daughter is gone, and that is a forever nightmare I have to live with.

You may ask why do I remember 3 Am. 3 Am is supposed to be the time I would start pumping milk to feed my daughter that day. So when I woke at 3 am that's what I was thinking the nurse was coming in for but she didn't bring the pump with her she brought a whole team nurses and a Doctor with her instead to inform me the failing health of my daughter. So 3 AM was supposed to be a good memory not forever a bad memory. I write this with many tears falling down my face but this just half of the story.... next part is

WHAT HAPPENED........??

1/22/2023